3 posts tagged “sick”
I have sores all over my tongue, I'm wheezing and just feeling very lethargic, yet I am doing so much better than Friday & Saturday, when I was throwing up. I've been pretty absent from the world of the internet, except at lucky forums, mostly because I haven't much I feel like writing about. I don't want to be a bore, but I don't want to explain everything that's going on in my world, I'm still dealing with the effects of my dad leaving and all this drama, but I don't know how much I feel like telling everyone.
I'm tired, I need more Ben and Jerry's for fuel, I just thought I'd stop in for an update. Now I'm going to put my laptop up, roll over and fall asleep--or at least watch Dr. Phil.
The pain rips and it sears and it rapes
my marrow. Occasionally I will forget what it is, how severely it
affects me, how much it kills all stamina I have for life. It is not a
mere headache or inconvienience, no it is my life, the ruler of my
body. I don’t have enough evil in my body to wish this for my worst
enemy.
This does not only attack your body, it attacks your psyche it makes you question your sanity and your life. I wonder when I’m not in pain if I’m just making this up, if I perpetuate something that’s really just an insignificant problem, but then I remember it by the cold skin and the sharp jabs of constant pain in my joints, and the rough, scraping pain in the very core of my bones. Some doctors say that a way to know if a patient is faking is if they are too specific in their descriptions about pain, I say that’s bullshit. I know my body I know my pain, it takes hours and hours and sometimes days out of my life, so I know how it really feels, I know the perfect description of this horrible condition. I can’t fake that.
I try to listen to music, to breathe deeply and calmly, to pretend it isn’t really there, to watch Family Guy episodes on my mp3 player, but all of these attempts to distract me are just that; attempts. It never goes away, not on it’s own, it requires milligrams upon milligrams of strong narcotics to erradicate the worst of it, but it doesn’t go away.
I would kill to just have arthritis. I would kill to just have rickets. I would kill to have a bad back or a sprained ankle or a broken arm. I wish I just had colds and the flu. I don’t and I won’t, I think I might always have this condition. Does that frighten me? Absolutely. How am I going to take care of children with this debilitating disease? Will I be able to? I don’t even want to know these answers; they’re too scary.
I am jealous of those with cancer. YES I SAID IT. I know I could be flooded with angry comments from survivors and friends of survivors of breast and testicular and brain and lung cancers, but it is the truth. I envy the diagnosis. I want something palpable, something real, something visible. I want to lose my hair, to be gaunt and tremble, just so SOMEBODY KNOWS I AM HURTING. So somebody knows I am real, and my pain is real, and my struggle is very, very real.Somebody needs to pry this box of Wheat Thins from my warm, lively hands. I can't stop eating them, at least they're Reduced Fat, though I'm not sure that matters when you eat half the box in a sitting. I was planning on cooking up some veggie soup but my mom is out probably standing in a long line waiting to get her vote in, so I have no way of cooking it, unless somebody wants to eat vegetable soup without the soup part.
Our dog, Milo isn't doing so well. Right now I'm periodically patting his belly and trying to soothe him. He's in a lot of pain, and is whining a lot. Last week we took him on a hell-filled ride to the vet's (he does not do well when the car is not in motion) and they took a look at him. The consensus is that he is overweight and in pain. That night after taking an anti-inflammatory drug, he was still showing no improvement and was crying and panting profusely, so the next day we had to take him back to the vet's. Not fun. They gave him some doggie narcotics and he's done better, but still hasn't gone outside unless we practically pushed him there, and won't get up to drink or eat his food. It's scary, because three months ago our collie, Jack had to be put down. He went downhill so fast, one day he was just in a little pain the next he refused to move and was wasting away, he would have died anyway from not eating. Milo is still eating and will still get up, and wag his tail. His pain has only been around for two weeks, so we'll hopefully be able to get it under control before anything bad happens.
Still, it's scary.
