Hi, you’ll know who you are when you read this. It’s nice to see your smiling faces–actually it would be better to see those smiling faces mildly disfigured, if not forever, then just for a moment. It’s the truth and it is what I have ALWAYS WANTED TO TELL YOU, but just am too chickenshit to do so.
You may think you have grand social graces that could win you the title of Miss America, but believe me, you don’t. While your speech may be audible, perfectly put, and grammatically correct, your substance is lacking. When you speak to me it would be nice if you could stop brushing off my problems as if you know what I am going through, or at least pretend you give one good ole’ flying fuck up your tight hairy asshole about what my life is like. Go ahead and run off to your other friends, the ones that don’t give you such intense subjects to ponder, I understand your brain really can’t handle the stress of having a friend with an “issue”.
WHAT? You actually do give a Flying Fuck Up Your Tight Hairy Asshole (hereby known as FFUYTHA), yet you don’t know how to go about showing it? Wow! I’m truly surprised. Here you go Irritating Curious Asshole with Good Intentions But Poor Execution (hereby known as ICAWGIBPE), here’s some tips on how to phrase a question so you don’t unknowingly offend a person with such ISSUES.
Never, ever, in your life begin a question to a person with a physical disability (especially chronic pain related disabilities) like so: “Why don’t you try -insert exercise, massage therapy, acupuncture, aspirin, etc. here- ?”, or “Why are you never at -insert house of worship, educational setting, mommy and me groups, late night binges with your buddies, and etc. here-?”
You can exclude that rule if you’re going to finish your sentence with “Why don’t you try medicinal marijuana, I’d be glad to fund it for you!” I realize that because of your complete lack of insight you may feel that these are legitimate and helpful alternatives and suggestions for your ‘disabled’ person, it is not either of those things. We live with these illnesses every single day, we know what helps and what doesn’t and unless you’re a doctor with some kind of up and coming radical new treatment, we’ve HEARD IT ALL BEFORE. Don’t give us advice*, unless your ‘disabled’ person solicits your advice, then go ahead and advise away.
Let’s move on to that intriguing second question. You never phrase a question with “Why aren’t you ever at ________?” because you can probably answer that yourself, if your ‘disabled’ person is disabled that’s why they’re never at ________. It’s called logic, and I think if you play enough chess you’ll get some logic points—oh wait that’s The Sims I’m thinking of and they’re much smarter and thoughtful than you.
I know it’s a lot to take in, you probably need some time to digest these thought-provoking ideas and I will gladly allot you the time you need. It’s hard for you lowly able-bodied people to understand when everything is thrown at you in one single shot, which is why I’ve decided to go ahead and make this an installment, there’s a lot you have yet to learn. Take a break, my able-bodied friend, rest your long shapely legs up on your ottoman, watch some Laguna Beach reruns, and rest soundly knowing that we ‘disabled’ people are truly the superior race of human beings, you don’t have to try any longer.
That must be a relief.
Love, Your ‘Disabled’ Person also known as Liz.
P.S.
*This is not necessarily true if you’re in the same boat as your
‘disabled’ person (aka you have the same/nearly the same disability)
then I think it’s okay to offer some tips but if your friend has a
chronic pain illness and you stub your toe a lot then it’s not the same
boat, it’s not even the same ocean.
Let it be known that this is not to be taken personally, I don't know anybody on vox in real life anyway!
